i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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