My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
