Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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