i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
