Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
