remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
