You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize