My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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