First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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