his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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