She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize