Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
