Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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