watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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