You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
