I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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