Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Is it because I queefed?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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