Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
