God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
