just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
