No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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