it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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