Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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