my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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