Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Randomize
