theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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