Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
