Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Did I show you my penis last night?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
