Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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