It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
