mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
