I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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