My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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