why didn't you poke me back
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
She has the best kind of daddy issues
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
