Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
