Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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