What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize