just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize