dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
