i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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