Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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