I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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