There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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