6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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