I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
