Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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