Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
