I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
