I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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