Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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