So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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