I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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