My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
