too bad you live with your parents still
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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