Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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