Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
