I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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