Umm I'm too high to move.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
