i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
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