Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
