He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
