Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
