I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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